Résumé

I type 80 words per minute.

I have a thorough understanding of the Microsoft Office suite.

I will gobble down that last half-donut someone left in the box as an act of cruelty or depravity.

I have strong writing skills.

I am very healthy, except on days when there is a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air marathon on TV.

I’m good with people.

My greatest weakness is that I work way too hard.

I write poetry, which every office needs a lot more of.

I never end sentences in prepositions.

I have read What Color Is Your Parachute?

My second greatest weakness is that I sometimes lie about my first greatest weakness. And also, I haven’t really read What Color Is Your Parachute?

I am very tolerant of diverse views, and I feel great sadness for those who fail to grasp the obvious.

I will buy your daughter’s Girl Scout cookies.

I will buy your son’s popcorn.

Yes, I would like to purchase a savings card.

I’ll take a few of those candy bars.

Candles and magazines? Put me down.

My third greatest weakness is that I have a wee spending problem.

I have reliable transportation.

I have a mule I named Ol’ Scratch.

Ol’ Scratch is my reliable transportation.

He’s pretty fast for a mule.

I can walk in high heels. With assistance. And kneepads. And the occasional fall.

My Uncle Phil is a wealthy lawyer who lives in a wealthy neighborhood in Los Angeles.

If we had one of those office retreats where we took turns doing trust exercises, I’d totally catch you. Every time.

References are available upon request.

My Aunt Viv thinks I’d be really good at this.

Smell ya later.